Dear Suniverse:
Have you ever noticed that people who dislike olives are assholes? I mean, olives are awesome. They’re tasty and salty and you can stuff other food such as garlic or cheese inside them. Who wouldn’t love that? Answer: Assholes. Also, some people like only green olives but not black ones. I’m pretty sure that means they’re racist. Anyway, I’m wondering if there should be some sort of olive litmus test. Please advise.
Olive you. (Get it?!?)
Alone With Cats
Dear Cat Fancier,
They ARE assholes, aren’t they? I mean, WTF? OLIVES ARE DELICIOUS. And have you tried the oil? SUBLIME!
Seriously. People who don’t like olives are missing some genetic material that makes them function as normal, decent human beings. The presence or absence of the Salty Goodness Receptor [SGR] in everyone’s mouth is in direct correlation to whether or not that person is someone who is not an asshole.
As to the different types of olives, yes, there is absolutely racism present. Why would you not love black olives? It’s not like it’s black licorice [which I tried once and am still trying to get that shitty taste out of my mouth].
Why would someone be all apartheid on black olives? Do they hate freedom? Assholes.
So, in conclusion, I would recommend the following litmus test:
Hey, do you like olives?
No? Go fuck yourself.
Yes – great, what about black olives?
No? Go fuck yourself.
Yes? Let’s be friends!
Sitting here eating kalamata olives by the handful,
Suniverse
Dear Suniverse,
My husband claims to love my cooking but every single night he adds extra spices, sauces and toppings to whatever I am serving. Did I mention every single night? Anyway. Am I a bad chef or is he an asshole?
Dear Chef,
Yeah, sorry, he’s an asshole.
Except not really.
Because he DOES tell you that he loves your cooking. Which earns him some redemption points. And he may not even realize he’s being an asshole by saucing up your goodies [He does sauce up your goodies, doesn’t he? Otherwise this subject is dead in the water – the roiling, boiling pasta water.], because generally guys are pretty oblivious about corellaries.
Like, he will see absolutely no correlation between telling you that he loves your cooking and then basically taking your food and making a different meal out of it. Two totally different things, in his view. Like telling you he’s not going to watch t.v. and then spending the day watching the Euro Cup through the Xbox, which, while it is technically seen on the television, is not broadcast on the airwaves, and is therefore not watching t.v. For example.
Maybe he loves your cooking as some kind of template that he can create from, like a personal at-home Mongolian BarBQ? Or maybe he loves the fact that you’ve actually done the heavy lifting of making the food for him and then he can season it as he sees fit, which takes less time and effort? Or maybe he’s not happy unless he can add his own little signature to each dish, like a latter-day Emeril?
Or maybe he’s just an asshole.
You never know.
Sitting here, waiting for carryout,
Suniverse
Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.Enjoy, lovers.
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